Too Much

Here's the thing, I love writing an Easter post on this blog each year. In fact I think there were years that I might have written as many Easter posts as other regular posts. But this year during my allotted time to write that Easter post and sit in my happy place and drink coffee, I got a migraine instead. I laid in bed completely heartbroken and scared and confused. I know that sounds dramatic but for migraine sufferers, an ill-timed migraine can absolutely devastate you. I had planned to write and then take the kids to the first of a weekend full of Easter activities with our church and our families. In a matter of moments all that was being thrown out the window and I was in bed with no idea if this would last minutes or days (Praise God it was only minutes this time). I was so scared, and honestly still am, that my migraines will be back in regularity in a season of life when I have to fight to believe that this won't be the very last straw. I have to fight my hardest not to spiral into a pit of fear that if my migraines come back I might just lose it. It might send us over the edge, because we can't. We just can't handle it. We can't handle one more hard thing amidst all the everything. It would just be too much. Too much. 

But as I laid there (after having a complete breakdown) one song came to mind. Actually THE song. There has been one song that has been mine during this season. "If I Have You" by The Vertical Church Band is so simple and sweet and such a mighty offering and reminder, it's been my prayer almost constantly. When I haven't known where to start, I've started singing, sometimes just whispering this song. So as I laid there in bed this song gently reminded me what I have. I have everything. In my nothing, I have everything because I have Jesus. Hear me now, I'm typing through tears because this isn't a trite cliche. This is the only truth. In my pit, I have everything. 

I laid there truly believing I was in a pit of suffering alone. But then I remembered Easter. I didn't lean on our resurrection to come. I didn't think about how Jesus understands suffering because he suffered at the ultimate level. I didn't think about how joy comes in the morning. All those things are good and true and they are powerful. But in this moment I remembered what the Holy Spirit whispered to me months ago. That behind the suffering, that behind Christ's heartbreak and broken body, as his flesh was being torn and ripped from his body time after time by a tortuous whip, as he was forsaken--behind it all there was something else. 

In Jesus' most painful moments, God was working and creating a way for everlasting life! God was performing his greatest miracle. His ageless promise coming to fruition. The longing was being satisfied behind the pain. 

It's all too much for my weary hearth to fathom. It's too much. 

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36 ESV)

He was faithful during the suffering. While Christ was forsaken, God was making a way. In my suffering, He is faithful. He is working here now in my heart, and he is working in ways I cannot know. Out of the greatest pain came the greatest triumph. Given for me. The battle was fought and won for our good and God's glory.

That's the love, that's the ferocity, that's the passion that holds me now. In my tears, in my waiting, He is good. And he is not finished with me.

“Come, everyone who thirsts,

come to the waters;

and he who has no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,

and your labor for that which does not satisfy?

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,

and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me;

hear, that your soul may live;

and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

my steadfast, sure love for David.

Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,

a leader and commander for the peoples.

Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,

and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,

because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,

for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

11  so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

12  “For you shall go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

13  Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;

and it shall make a name for the Lord,

an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Isaiah 55