I'm sitting here literally physically aching and exhausted by...our life basically. Having just moved back, our emotions are just straight up weird right now. Literally everything external that made up "who we are" was there one week and completely erased the next. It's been....weird, good, hard, ugly, and very very sanctifying. But (and this is going to be annoying) Austin and I both agree that these deep things WILL be blogged about....later. For now everything is much much too fresh. But I want to share my heart in some way with all of you. So I will share my "present" by sharing my past.
In hard times I tend to look back...those raw emotions remind me of past times when emotions ran just as coarsely through my veins. Heartbreak in college, bondage to insecurity, mourning the loss of our unborn baby, scared out of my mind that I was unexpectedly pregnant with Fletcher--all very real times of ground shattering harshness and transcendent grace.
I've been wearing my arrow necklace...as I always do. But these days it's straight up a nonnegotiable that the sucker will be around my neck.
See that arrow...it's for Fletch. But it's not just a mother/son necklace...every time I touch that tiny arrow I remember how wrong I was to be afraid and how bad my plan was and how crazy gracious and generous God is to have given me Fletcher at a time when I really thought I knew better. I touch it and remember the lesson I learned deep in my secret heart, a lesson that sounds so trite...but is so laboriously learned. I learned that God really does truly know and have what's best for me. I learned to trust.
I told you it sounded trite.
But really...seriously...think on that for a second.
And that's why I can't take this necklace off these days. I need the tangible, physical reminder of God's goodness, His faithfulness, His sovereignty, His grace, His provision (oh His provision! Who am I that He would care for me so generously?). I could never have imagined how hard it would be to have life go so outside my plans. I never knew how tightly I held on to those plans. And I never knew the treasure that lay on the other side of letting go. And if it weren't for Fletcher Colby Tullos...I may still be basking in the artificial light of my plans.
God was good, so good to me in those hard moments of change when (on top of all the actual change) I was a huge brat.
And God is so good now, in hard moments of change...I can only hope I'm less bratty.